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20170820
Hey. Yeah. I know. I'm still alive, somehow. I wonder why at times. Read more » Birthday Blues
It's that time of year again. You know what that means? Drinking blogging. (I haven't started drinking yet, but I have a lot of negativity that is pretty much overflowing right now.) Siiince it's negativity, as usual, I'll place a cut here. Ehm, please don't read. Lmao why am I posting this online if I don't want people to read? Maybe I want people to read, just don't confront me about it. I want to sound my...voice. Not that there was anyone here anyway. Read more » hm
Hey blog, Read more » Negativity again.
Hello. I feel like a total shit today. I have no drive to review the materials whatsoever, exams are less than a month away. I just..I hate this module. I hate this. I really have no interest in it. I don't even know if I have any interest in it, actually. But I hate it. I think I don't. My mind is in a jumbled, tangled yarn of mess. I was reading the old tweets and realised I was that asshole friend who left my friends. No wonder why I feel so alone right now. I'm not making any sense right now so I'll stop writing. Don't read this. Just a bunch of negativity.
I'm in a bad mood right now. Well, not necessarily in a bad mood, just slightly annoyed, to be exact. Why, pray tell? Okay. So. There are some people who pretty much only communicate with to you only during the times of need, right? Yep, I guess that's common. But let's not be hypocritical and admit it, you've done it at least once. Right? Yeah me too. Still I'd like to think that I attempt to minimise such abhorrent behaviour as much as humanely possible (since we ARE human, and humans are the biggest asshole species in this whole damn planet, as we know). I'm sorry I would love to escape this but I can't. Well I'm not necessarily a misanthrope, I just hold a general disdain towards people who inconvenience others. Like wtf dude totally not cool. And again, of course, the target of such leeches, a term of which I assume to be highly appropriate to address such people, should be annoyed. Like genuinely, honestly, from the bottom of the heart, down right annoyed by this. Common sense. Unless you have the saint level of patience, but I haven't reached that level bro, I need to grind exp for another thousand years or more. I might or might not be the target right now *cough*totally am*cough* and suffice to say I'm annoyed. You know what annoys me more? That I actually feel guilty for avoiding them. What? The heck self?? Why am I feeling guilty for acting for my own interest? I mean this is not my responsibility, they don't even act like a friend. I mean they technically don't care about me. All they talk about are themselves, themselves, themselves, how people love them, themselves, and themselves. Well, sometimes they also talk about themselves too, but mostly they only talk about themselves, so I don't think it's not that bad, right? /sarcasm (in case some people don't catch that) Dude they don't even care, like seriously, they always put up that act like they don't need you, they're totally independent and what not. And that is laughable since they literally just contradict their self labeling. If you're so independent, please don't leech off me, please don't nag me about stuffs and what not. /sigh ...at least act like a friend to me. I act like a whiny bitch right now, and I am so despicable. I'm sorry I need to let this off my chest, I don't know who I can rant to. Since I apparently can't rant to some of my close friends anymore. I just feel like we're starting to drifting to different sets of wavelength. I hate this. I just depressed myself. Edit: These are my true words, I want this to be voiced. Yet I'm afraid to be heard. But I still crave to let this be released. Goodbye, teenage years.
Apparently, I turn 20 today. And I don't feel like being tactful or anything in my writing. I'll just update. So right here I have a bottle moscato which is 5% of alcohol, it doesn't seem like much. But it's like 750ml. And I'm drinking it right now. Anyways, I once drank a 180ml warmed sake which contains 15-16% alcohol and I have to admit I was kinda dizzy by the time I finished it. My tolerance level might not be as high. Haha. Well, I'm alone and I don't have many people to talk to. (Actually none at all) So far I received 2 happy birthdays, excluding my mom's and dad's. One from a collective group of the people I'm supposed to be with today. And the other from my old good friend who is a very very nice girl. She is reaaaally nice and wow I definitely need to catch up with her since I don't even know she broke up with her old boyfriend and is now with this another guy. They seem happy I hope they last! I hope I didn't upset her for not being able to tell who her old boyfriend was, since I forgot his face. Anyway I'm 1/3 way into the bottle, and a little effect is kicking in I suppose. There's a dog outside. Go home dog you're supposed to sleep, you're underaged. Come to think about it, what is so special about birthdays? You're literally celebrating the years nearer to your death?? Or maybe it's just a congratulation party? Like Yaaay you've made it past this year without dying!! Something like that? Yeah that might be it Did youtube changed its format again? Seriously youtube staappphhh This moscato feels like a soda. Alcohol tastes like shit why do people drink these I feel so bloated and gassy. Half the bottle in My eye is fuckin red. The right one Maybe I need some sleep I feel so bloated. Did I say that? I feel so bloated. I feel so fuuullll ugh there is still 1/4 left but well I decide that I can't finish it anymore, I'm really too full. I'm not drunk, obviously. Hahha. Happy 20, me. Here's to another uninteresting year ahead. Oh another good friend of mine just wished me a happy birthday. Bless her. Aaand another old friend wished me. Oh I'm so blessed thank you I finished the whole bottle by the way. I typo a lot hahaha. But I erased it a lot so you won't know if I don't tell you but I just did so now you do. Okay toodles. I feel kinda heavyheaded I'm so lightweight I should be ashamed. Well, it was a day.
Or should I say: the day where nothing right happened. First of all, let me tell you this: I'm supposed to be out for my little getaway with a friend today. So yeah, I got up early at around five. I had booked a taxi the day before and after I've had everything checked and stuffs yadda yadda, by 5.30 am the taxi arrived. Guess how much I paid for the taxi fare? 51.2 bucks. Yep. I paid (was kind of shocked but whatever) and went straight to the counter to check in. Guess what happened next? The lady behind the counter checked my passport and asked me if I had extended my passport. I lifted an eyebrow, clearly my passport hasn't expired, right? She then told me that my passport expires within 6 months and I will not be allowed to enter to Malaysia. I was shocked. I think I gaped and looked at her in disbelief. "What?" And she calmly said, "I'm sorry, even if I let you check in, they won't allow you entry. You might need to fly back as soon as you reach there." I couldn't say anything. She continued, "It's still early, you can try to go to the embassy and try to extend your passport." "But it won't be finished in a day right?" "I don't know, you can try and go there. Afterwards, you can come back and check in the counter over there." I muttered a thank you and walked away from the counter. Slumping down towards the nearest seat, I quickly browsed for the Indonesian embassy. After I received the phone number, I immediately called..only to be answered by an answering machine which told me that the opening hours is from 9am to 12pm. I blanked and sat there, contemplating who I could go to in such hour (5.40ish) I couldn't think of anybody really. So I just sat there and wait. I can't say I was panicking. I was merely there, accepting fate, and feeling major guilt for my friend. I mean wow, ditching a friend in another country? That is taking the term "douchebag" to a whole new level. How could I be so fucking incompetent? Why don't I ever know this kind of common knowledge? I know the types of clouds, random nutrition facts, and a handful of weird facts but wow I really have no idea of such a...common thing? Of course during my wait, I browsed for more information as to what I need to bring and stuffs like that, but that all took at most 5minutes, so it didn't help me pass the time. I stared at the bookstore on my far opposite. Relay. Bookstore. I could buy some books. But whatever for? What is the point? I first texted my friend, at around 6. I knew she hadn't landed yet but I just can't cope with the guilt (I haven't until now). Then I texted my other friend, who was supposed to pick us up. Unfortunately he wasn't up yet. And then I waited. So when finally 6.30 ticked by I decided to call my dad (home, exactly). It was only 5.30 where he is and I was feeling guilty for disturbing his rest. I spoke really slowly and softly as to not shock him or completely wake him up. I was kind of afraid he would howl at me. At first he thought I was calling to tell him I had boarded the plane. But then after I explained, he just said, then what will you do? So I paused and said I think I'd miss the flight. "I'm sorry dad." And he said "It's okay. It's okay. It's all part of experience." (Of course after he sobered up in a few hours he called me back and sort of yelled at me, oh whatever. But he was yelling not for missing the flight, for me to have my passport extension business quickly done.) We then talked a little about getting my passport extended and then I hung up. Next was my friend. She would be arriving at Malaysia at around 6.45am. So I texted her (since her phone card couldn't be used internationally), praying that she would immediately turn on her wifi as soon as she reached the airport. I was desperate, texted a lot. But well, she wasn't online. Finally at around 7am my friend who was in Malaysia replied. I explained to him everything. He was (surprisingly) cool about it, I mean he was nice enough not to...do anything that would furthermore induce panicky in me. He even made me crack a smile. I was really thankful of him. When my friend, a really really really good friend of mine, replied. I was...bursting with guilt. The only thing I could say to her was "sorry". I mean. Oh my god I might have lost a friend. I just...don't know what to do. I'm really sorry. I wish I wouldn't lose her. (Ah it's 00:00. Bye teenage. My dad just texted me, it was cute. Oh I love my parents.) Long story short, I rushed back to my apartment, grabbed my stuffs, went to school to photocopy documents (which is a stupid move since I could have done that in the embassy office, but whatever), and by then I realised it was too late to go to the embassy. So I just bought some lunch and dinner home and stayed there. I studied today. (Btw this part below was written when I started the post, so it was just a burst of feeling, I'm so dramatic sometimes) Right now I can only sigh. To be completely dramatic, I could say I really wanna let out tired tears right now. But to be fair I'm a huge crybaby (or just a completely emotional wreck) so actually me crying shouldn't be that of a big deal. However, now that I think of it, my problems aren't as big, in fact there are a handful that happened due to my incompetency. I just...am tired. I'm sorry. I am just sad. If that's allowed, please let me be. I hope that it will be better soon. P.S. After receiving the text from my dad I feel so much better now, wow talk about mood swing. Labels: personal some title
This is the second time I'm let down. I don't even fucking know anymore. Just...fuck. 20 things you should know before you turn 20
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1. Appreciate your dad, you don’t know what will happen.
2. If you don’t want to wear make up, don’t. For Christ sakes, you’re young and beautiful. Society can go fuck their self.
3. It’s really okay to love yourself. Appreciate the funny curve of your nose, and that gap in your teeth make your smile prettier. Just because you don’t look like that girl in the magazine doesn’t mean you can’t tell yourself you’re beautiful every now and then.
4. Do what makes you happy. I know you’ve heard this a million times, but I can’t stress this enough. Go after your dream job even if it goes against every thing your parents wanted. If you don’t like where you live, move. Your friends don’t make you laugh until your sides hurt? You don’t have to be friends with them anymore. You’re in control. No one else. Don’t fall under the pressure of pleasing people. Please yourself and live for you.
5. Love who you want. Regardless of gender, skin color, or societal views. Please never give up true love because you’re scared. Love is a beautiful, beautiful thing, and if you’re lucky enough to come across it don’t you dare walk away from it because of what others will think. Take the looks, the whispers, and the criticism with a smile, grab your lovers hand, and if you’re feeling extra happy, kiss them for the world to see. Let me tell you, the world is only jealous because they simply can’t understand.
6. Take long showers and lay on your bed naked after, sing too loud, sleep through your classes one day, and another day just don’t leave the couch. It’s okay to just decide you don’t have responsibilities for a little bit. Everyone needs a day ever so often to just relax. It’s okay to be lazy. It’s okay to sleep for 12 hours straight. It’s okay to go to bed at 6 AM because you’re reading and wake up at 3 the next day. Treat yourself, but most importantly love yourself enough to give yourself time to breathe.
7. Alone time is good for the soul. I truly believe that. I think it’s good to cancel your plans sometimes, close your door, turn off your phone, and play some John Mayer (or whatever your prefer). Maybe you could read a book, or hell even write one if you’re up for it. But take some time to yourself and learn to be happy with just you and the sound of your breathing. At the end of the day, you are the only person that is guaranteed to stick around, so you might as well learn to enjoy the way laugh at your own jokes or the way you pronounce words when you read aloud. Being comfortable alone is more important than you know.
8. It’s okay to be 20 and still love Disney movies. It’s not even a guilty pleasure. Everyone has their favorite whether they admit it or not.
9. Do not compromise who you are to impress someone else. You are a wonderfully constructed individual. Your trials, experiences, and life all together have sculpted you into the most lovely version of you possible. If a person doesn’t like the way you live, from your sex life to your music taste, who cares? You were not put on this earth to impress them, or anyone for that matter. Impress yourself. Stick to what you want, stand up for what you believe, and tell people to screw off if they have an issue with any of it. It’s your life.
10. High school does not in any manner prepare you for college. One time my teacher dismissed class early because a kid fell down the stairs and he was laughing too hard to continue the lecture. That’s all I have to say about that subject.
11. I know you’re making a ton of new friends at this stage in your life, but don’t forget whose been there from the start. Your new friends may be exciting and wonderful and the best friends you could imagine but the ones that knew you back in middle school and were still there for you are genuine. If they loved your through your awkward phase, they’re probably in it for the long run. So send some love their way ever so often. When you’re older, you’ll be glad you did.
12. Your mom will probably cry a lot during the next few years. Let her. Hug her. Cry with her. She just wants you happy at the end of the day. You’re growing up, and life’s exciting, but you have to remember that you’re her baby, and the more you find yourself, the more she feels she’s losing you. I know you’re getting older, but so is she. Spend Sunday afternoons telling her about your life or reading her your new poetry. She’ll appreciate that so much, and you will too later on.
13. It’s okay to get drunk. Whether it be just for fun or that you need liquid courage to text an ex, it’s completely fine. And you know what else is completely fine? Not getting drunk. It’s okay to be the mom, the DD, or to not even show up to the party at all. It’s all okay. But you know what isn’t? Judging whatever decisions your peers make. So what there was a photo posted and that girl you went to high school with was wasted? It’s not really any of your business is it. And if that guy decided to go to that poetry reading and skipped the biggest party of the year, It’s really not effecting you at all, so don’t act like it does.
14. Stop glamorizing sadness. Sadness is not beautiful. It does not glow. Disorders are not something to make light of, and scars are not something to be ignored. Be proud of who you are. Eat that hamburger, and put the razor down. And most importantly, smile. Happiness is by far the most beautiful thing about a person.
15. It will all be okay at the end of the day. Life has a funny way of working out.
16. Speaking of funny, life literally never goes as planned. Don’t waste your time fretting over the future. Faith and destiny work hand in hand to make sure life keeps you on your toes.
17. Karma is a real and powerful thing. Please try to keep it on your side. Your bad deeds catch up with you in a big way. Take your time to build up your good karma, and do some good for other people, even if the deeds are small. Put a quarter in an expired parking meter, serve food at a homeless shelter, or go visit an elderly person at the nursing homes. Good deeds are good for others, and good for your soul.
18. You can never go wrong with pizza.
19. Don’t wish your years away. I know you’re at that age where you’re responsible for your choices, but aren’t really considered an adult but you’ll want these years back. Being young is the most fantastic, exciting adventure you will ever endure. And when you get older you’ll wish for these years back, even all the bad days that came along with it. So enjoy your youth, relish in it. Because you will never be younger than you are right this second.
20. And lastly, if you ever feel unloved and worthless, just know I love you and find the upmost worth in you. You’re destined for big things, now go get them.
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Labels: findings, inspirational Let it gooooo
I'm obsesseeeeeedddddddddd. (might do a fanart) |