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Birthday Blues
It's that time of year again.
You know what that means?
Drinking blogging.
(I haven't started drinking yet, but I have a lot of negativity that is pretty much overflowing right now.)
Siiince it's negativity, as usual, I'll place a cut here. Ehm, please don't read. Lmao why am I posting this online if I don't want people to read? Maybe I want people to read, just don't confront me about it. I want to sound my...voice.
Not that there was anyone here anyway.
Sigh. Where do I begin?
Another year passes by. Another year wasted.
A lot of disappointment this year, unsurprising. Nothing new.
To be completely honest, I hate my birthday.
I mean, I like my birthday. It's a special day. I receive gift(s), as unthoughtful as most of them might be, they're still gifts. I just..hate it.
I feel especially melancholic in days like this. I fucking hate it.
I would give my life to someone who wants to live. I mean if I could donate my life directly, not through organ donors mumbojumbos just the "time", I would. Since I'm sure they'll cherish it better. And maybe do better good with it.
I also hate it because this is the only day, that one fucking day, that everyone treats you better. Gives you an impression that you're special. Not really special, well, they buy you cake, give you gifts and that's all. In the end they don't care about you. Heck even in that very fucking day they just desert you, minding their own business withing the group. Not that I care about those whose birthdays I help celebrate with. I just join them out of responsibility.
See, that's another point. There's this fucking unspoken rule that is established in every group of friends. "friends", whatever that's not the point. Alright, what I'm trying to say is that if you're "in" a group of friends, you have to celebrate everyone's birthdays, no exception, even if everyone secretly hate that one person of them. I don't especially dislike any of them, I just don't particularly like them, I'm neutral on them. Why am I justifying myself?
Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that this whole fucking thing is ridiculous. Why the fuck do they have to conform to that? I mean, if you don't like me then please don't do this for me. Save yourselves from the pain. I don't deserve it. I'm an asshole. Whatever, pick your own reasoning. Besides, I'm not bothered by it. Not that it's proven that they don't like me or anything. I just....never fit in to any group of friends. Never. Except that one time when I was in middle school. That one only time and in the end, I was the misfit one again anyway.
I dread opening my door tomorrow, I don't want that shit in my space of living.
Ah, I'm getting angry, I better grab a drink.
I have two bottle of 300ml sake. Sake tastes terrible. Alcohol tastes terrible. But getting drunk/tipsy is good. 14-15% of alcohol. I honestly don't know if these are going to knock me out or not. I just hope they will.
It's only half pas ten pm right now though, should I drink? When I was slightly drunk during the new year, I did ask for a group of "friends" to get on skype to get drunk together. I don't know. I just don't fucking know.
There's this other thing I want to bitch about. So, regarding this whole friendship thing. I did bitch about how I was the misfit in every group of friends I was in, right? Well, okay. It's not like I never reach out and put myself out there for them, it's just, 89 times out of 90 times I did that, I ended up hurting myself; getting myself disappointed. That hand I put out to reach for them has turned into a mean to keep people at arm's length. I'm not blaming them. I'm blaming myself. I'm born with this...aura where people just don't want to get closer to. It's not like those villainous auras in the comic books you see, it's this aura that make people...feel repelled from you. Heck I wish I have the villainous aura, at least I'll look cool with it.
If it's so hard to begin or even maintain simplistic platonic relationships, I doubt I can handle serious relationships; those that require commitment.
Okay now that I've let those out of the system, time for some depressing vomits. Figurative vomit, of course, ew.
(I haven't started drinking, by the way)
It's actually a sensitive topic.
I..well, I did open up to someone I know, once. It's sort of accidental. I couldn't find a better excuse after all. And I majorly regretted that decision. It's such a waste of breath. I bet said individual doesn't even remember what I told them right now.
sigh, I think this negativity will be saved for another time. I lost my bad vibes while folding the laundry.
SAKE TASTES HORRIBLE EW
SAKE TASTES SO FUCKING HORRIBLE EW
FUCK BIRTHDAY
idk when i'll lose itLabels: personal, unvoiced
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