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hm
Hey blog,
I don't know who or where to turn to now.
The friend I thought I had may not be that friend who wants me as a friend back, and might only befriend me out of pity.
I fucked up my papers.
My grandma is sick.
My dad is sad.
I'm so tired. So, so tired.
I know I have other friends, but I really love being friends with this person, there are attachments I felt. It's not as easy to ignore. It's always easier said than done.
I'm so tired. I don't know what to do anymore.
If friendship is this hard to retain, I don't think I can handle romantic relationship.
I don't have any excuse.
I can't come up with one.
It's because I suck.
I'm a piece of unworthy shit.
I'm a failure.
She's old.
I don't feel much towards her. In all honesty.
It's such a fucked up thing to say, but I have to admit it to someone; somewhere, somehow.
But I feel that I'm obliged to feel something.
I feel obliged to feel sad.
I know I'm in this world thanks to her.
I know I'm what I am today is thanks to her.
And yet I can't.
I don't know her enough.
I don't even know what she likes to eat.
I don't know what songs she hums when she's bored.
I never saw the things she made.
I never heard her telling her grandchildren stories.
I just know she doesn't get along with her husband.
I just know she's very religious.
I was only taught that she's of the utmost importance.
I was only taught to respect her under whatever circumstances.
Therefore I can't.
He's making me sad.
I'm such a shitty daughter.
He has done so many things for me and what do I give him back?
Disappointment.
That's what I am.
I cannot outshine his friends' children.
I'm sorry.
I'm going to try better.
I really am.
Labels: personal, unvoiced
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