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20130606
Hey there. What's up? /sigh. I'll just get to what I want to talk about, yeah? First of all, let me quote this: "My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations." - John Green That sentence, in more than a way, applies to me so much. Really, when I have this thing I want to talk about, all of a sudden another (almost) unrelated topic came up and I have an urge to rant about that other thing without really knowing how to finish what I first started. Or, I just don't know how to convey my thoughts; whenever I try to word out what I'm thinking, it turns out to be a jumbled mess. It doesn't have a flow. And I believe when people start reading my writings they will squint and wonder what I'm trying to tell them. ...is it just my writing skill that is lacking? Anyway. The thing I want to talk about is closely related to the last post. It's actually been bothering me for a long while. Since high school, in fact. I don't know why but I somehow grew extremely self-concious during my adolescent years. And I don't think I ever grew pass that stage. I just feel..not good enough to go out there and talk to people. It's like I feel that they are repelled to talk to someone unattractive enough. And this thought wasn't completely unjustified too. I've seen a lot to draw such conclusion. No, no, no, I'm not going to wallow about how I feel hideous and stuff like that any more. I kind of feel apathetic now. It's like, I stop caring (a bit). It's just that, I know if I feel that I don't like myself enough, I should change. Yes, that statement has rung inside my head for a couple of years now. I need to change myself if I don't like it. But I always fail? Maybe my motivation is not high enough? Yeah, maybe I need to be stricter to myself. Yeah, change, me. Please. You really need this. We need this. Okay? Please give it a try. Maybe you'll like it. Now I'm sounding mad for writing to myself. The thing about changing is...it's hard. Believe me, it is. I'm just so lost on where to start, how to start, and when to start. It's like riding on a fast moving bus in an unknown city where you don't speak their language and there is no seat and no pole to hang onto. Yep, I'm bad at metaphors. I've been watching a lot of self-help videos or articles or posts. Those things, as good as their intention is, don't help much. I don't know. I just can't feel anything real from that stranger on the other side of the world. I mean, if you don't know me, you can't possible know what I'm going through. As similar as my problem is to yours, doesn't mean that we're going through the same thing. You don't even know me, after all. I need a friend to tell me that. To get real with me. To pull me up. /sigh I'm just a selfish bitch. You know, one of the way I get through such feeling is that I always blame the society for putting pressure on individuals to socialise. (Yeah sometimes I think that the world is better without having to socialise, and then BANG loneliness hits me in the face.) If you don't socialise, you're automatically a loser. (In other words, you're going to fail in your future economic ventures if you have no contacts whatsoever) I know, I know. It's just childish to pin the blame solely on others, but I need to do it. If not, I'll hate myself even more. I can't even begin to tell you how many things I have blamed myself for. Yes, it's kinda sad. Oh well...(it's still the truth though, it's kind of my fault..see two paragraphs above.) Why am I bitching about this only now? During high school, and pretty much all my school years, I have been surrounded by a lot of wonderful people. They just, seem to be less judgemental towards me. They always include me in things they do. They see me as one of them. And I honestly am grateful towards them, from the bottom of my heart. What's the point of this whole post anyway? I don't even know. They're all just my thoughts, like the stars scattered around the universe. Many of which are not even put into constellation yet. If you want to be loved by others, learn to love yourself first? How do I love myself? That's the one million dollar question. Labels: personal |