Hey.
This is going to be a very personal post.
I'm not even sure if I should write here, what with my identity is very clear and all.
But I need to talk to someone. I can't with any of the people I know. It's sort of embarrassing and depressing. I don't know who I should turn to.
All in all, I just need to get this off my mind. It's getting very suffocating.
In truth, I have never been very fond of mirrors. Not to mention cameras. I used to not like being photographed, at all. Especially during my junior high school years, I even made some of my very close friends upset due to that. And thus, I have little to no photographic evidences of my junior high school years. Not until recent years have I finally grown out of that state of abhorrence with long, tedious, repetitive logic and reasoning I have planted for myself . The reason which caused such abnormality is also why I never checked my face in the cameras shortly after being photographed. I don't like my appearance. Honestly. I have tried to analyse my face as objectively as possible. I tried to like it. I succeed at times, but the fondness will burn away in a very short time. I lost count of how many times I asked myself why I can't have the appearances like the other girls: smaller face, narrower shapely jaws, proportional noses, less testosterone hormone? I'm sick of this. I feel unnoticeable at best. I'm okay with being unnoticeable. I feel like crying writing these all down, but I can't, the lights are still on and the night is still young. I have managed to cope with this feeling all this time and got over it successfully numerous times without anyone. But this time, I feel that I almost reach my limit, I need to rant. I don't know. I have always known that I'm not attractive, not a bit. I've always grown up in the society which acknowledges so, although not many dare to speak their mind so openly to me because of the conditions of this so-called society. Some do offer compliments during special occasions as courtesy. Yes I know. I understand it perfectly. I even abandon many hopes for it. It's a fact and I'm a realist, and this is something that can be learned, I've always told myself. But sometimes it's too hard to swallow. Too damn hard. Yes ignoring it may sometimes ease the difficulty, but it tends to get so protruding it's damn obvious and impossible to ignore. This time, it gets much harder. Of all people in this world. Of all six billion people. I never expected to hear that from this person. It started from a typical banter about my appearance, which is very usual. The teasing was more straightforward this time, the word 'ugly' was mentioned in serious tone. She told me I'm so ugly that she would take me to get plastic surgery. I don't know why but it hurt so fucking bad. So fucking bad. Maybe because it was that person who said that to me. Am I that hideous to you? Am I too much of an eyesore? Shall I carve a new face for myself? "I apologise that I'm ugly." I told that person. I've never told anyone this, just because I know they will simply tell me I'm wrong, but I'll wrote it here and now, I used to honestly feel that I'm the ugliest girl in the world. Every girl is beautiful to me, I could see a person fall in love with every girl in the world but me. And now, I feel that any self confidence I manage to build over time shrunk back to nothingness again. I should change. I will try to. I honestly am sick and tired of living this way. But this is reality, and I have to face it, most probably alone. I just hope my attempt to change will not be interrupted by anyone or anything. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough for this. I don't know if I'll give up. Approximately ten minutes ago I just want to curl up in my blanket and cry myself to sleep. But right now, I'm pissed. Very pissed. How dare you make me feel this way. How dare you hurt me so bad and expect me to be good to you. How dare you get my hopes up only to turn to other prettier people. How fucking dare you. I may cry now but I have to promise myself to not let myself feel this way again. Why the fuck must I be a human. A fucking social creature who can't fucking live alone.
I'm sorry for the long rant. If you read this and feel more or less the same way as I am, let's try together. I may not know who you are and you may not me, but just know that you're not alone, we're in the same boat. We could rock this boat okay. We will get through the motherfuckers and find unicorns together.
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