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20120816
These days have been a blur to me. Most of the things I do or say aren't significant. I can't even sort my thoughts right now...not even to post in a coherent sequence. Just random words and phrases. It's as if my body has activated the autopilot automatically. You know, these days I find myself spacing out very often, mostly during little daily deeds, like climbing the stairs, taking shower, or even merely walking. I am actually jolted off from my thoughts and have a series of thoughts that sound like this: "What am I doing?" "Whose hands is this? Mine?" "Whose body is this? Mine?" "Pfft. What do I mean by 'whose body is this', obviously it's mine! It's not like my soul can jump around different bodies right?" "Who are they looking at? Me?" "What do I look like? Is that my face?" I don't know, it's just that, sometimes I become aware of what I'm currently doing and something that is so very familiar and memorised becomes peculiar and novel to me. It's like when you write or read a particular word, it becomes very weird that you starts to question its authenticity. For example: Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Showering. Meh, it did nothing to me. Perhaps it's because I write it digitally? Ahaha. I sound mad. Or plainly stupid. It is always like this, I suppose, whenever the time of examination is closing near. I'll call it pre-examination syndrome from now on. (And it's not as if I have started to study or something. So what happened, brain?) -- To my surprise, I'm actually very, very competitive. It's rather strange, actually. Why is it strange? Well, it's simple, I'm aware of my laidback attitude (which is due to my lack of motivation in general). However, I understand my skills and limits. Therefore, I might also unconsciously set up a certain kind of standard for a field of my (perceived) speciality. I'll keep reminding myself the acceptable level of a performance. And of course, if I still can't surpass the adequacy, I'll most probably be depressed. And then I'll be angry. (Then again, nothing much motivates me, therefore I'll just stop at the state of anger and let the feeling dissipate before not caring again. I seriously need to change.) Another weird post? Labels: personal |