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20130522
Hi blog, it's me again. Today I'm writing again. Again, I'm not feeling good today. I'm sorry that I'm such a gloomy writer. I have no idea why I can't write when I'm happy. Maybe I'm not at the level of happiness in which I want to tell the world how happy I am yet. Or maybe I just simply haven't learnt to cherish the little good things in life. Either way, I'm a pessimist, that's for sure. And here I am, venting to the internet yet again. I'm not even sure if there were any audience out there who's even slightly interested in my sad outlook on life. But at least it's here, in public for whoever want to read it. I'm quite positive that the strangers who read this most probably don't care about me. At least it's better than venting to people I know. It's much more painful to know that they couldn't care less. But that's not fair, isn't it? I shouldn't be pointing fingers at others and accusing them as uncaring. I am an uncaring person too. Why? I don't know why. I'm just so freaking lost in my own problems that I can't see others'. I bitch and whine at so many things for so long that I couldn't see my friends are in trouble too. Shit. I'm such a shitty friend. I really need to start caring about others. The world doesn't revolve around me, after all. Anyway I'm trailing off. So, have you ever had a situation where you used to be so upset about a thing (so upset that it probably makes you cry or depressed), but now you just feel neutral about it? Like it doesn't even bother you any more but you feel that it's supposed to bother you? /long sigh It's kind of weird, but have you ever had that kind of feeling? It's kind of annoying. It makes you feel responsible for not having such a feeling. And you feel really guilty when it's not supposed to bother you now that you feel neutral about it. It's really conflicting and confusing. I really want to stop feeling guilty. I want to stop living in guilt. I want to stop feeling that every action I take is going to upset someone in a way and I'm responsible about it. Similar to the saying "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent", I know that this all actually stem from myself, it is I who need to change. It's just hard, you know? It's not that easy to stop caring. Especially with all those judging eyes around me. Why do I have to do a lot of things I don't like in order to please a lot of people? Is that a part of growing up? I really hate growing up if so. Labels: personal |