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"Number one"
Today I talk too much, it resulted in me draining my own energy to a crisis-like state (just like any other day with the similar deed done). My whole body is exhausted, my feet felt wobbly, and my eyes felt droopy. Everything signifies the heavy need to sleep. -- Anyway, I was reflecting again today. I just realised that I had long abandoned the desire to be another's "number one". As in anything. For instance: the "number one respected person", the "number one trusted person", the "number one loved person", the "number one reliable person", etc. It simply seems tiring, fruitless, and at some point absurd. This life I'm granted with is supposed to be enjoyed and be controlled by me and only me. Then why am I supposed to live it to others' expectation? I am supposed to live my own life the way I like, am I not? Some might possibly blame this on my lack of ambitiousness or the lack of drive to thrive above others, or perhaps accuse it as an excuse to conceal a probable depression I suffer. It is perhaps unmistakeable that I have given up on others. It can't be helped after being disappointed quite numerous of time. So, I figured instead of wasting time on fretting being number two'd or three'd or five hundred and thirty two'd by others, I should aim to be the number one for myself. It IS my life, after all. Don't get me wrong, I'm still grateful and feel honoured in all honesty when someone turns to me, as the first person, to confide in or simply when they need a friend. I just don't mind that if said person doesn't put me on the first spot any more. It was useless, sometimes hurtful, even. Besides if I try to be the "number one" to myself, I will gain much more confidence and sustain in the world even alone. Moreover, it's not like I can grab someone's collar and scream myself into their "number one". I might merely succeed being their "number one disliked/hated person" by doing so. I have no control in others' emotions. It might be lonely, I understand, but I will (try to) digress. |